Time for Parenting...

...because raising children is a full-time job

March 2005 Newsletter

From the Chair; A Bundle of Contradictions; The Role of Fathers in Attachment Theory; How FTMs can help their husbands to help them

How FTMS can help their husbands to help them

Alan Bright is FTM's web-master. He and his wife Elspeth, FTM to their six children, shared with us at the AGM the following thoughts on family life.

Marriag

First of all we want to say why we say 'husbands' rather than 'fathers'. We are not suggesting any mum is second-rate or in any other way inferior if she is divorced from or not married to the father of her children, but we do want to reaffirm that women, and children, do better by just about all measures when they share a home with a man who has made the commitment of marriage. That is not to say that all marriages are great and all households where the parents are not married are awful. It's just to remind ourselves that statistics demonstrate that the best way to help yourself as an ftm is to be married to your children's father.

Money
If you are an ftm, money can often be tight. There are certainly extra expenses in a double-income family, but certainly in a single-income family there are times when you aren't able to do all that you might want to do, or you won't be able to have all that other people around you might have. Alan and I live in a terraced house in East London. By chopping and changing things around we have made four bedrooms for ourselves and our six children, aged eighteen down to seven. I know Alan can sometimes feel frustrated when we don't have the money to do the repairs that we'd like to carry out, to replace the bed that we've had since we've been married, and we both get frustrated at our computer printer that really isn't well at all. But we don't really have the money and we don't want to get into debt. So, as ftms we can help our husbands to help us by feeling positive about what we are doing in being at home with our children, by not moaning, or even sighing wistfully about not being able to do things. Alan and I are Christians; perhaps you can draw some comfort from your own view on life and use that to remind yourself that what you are doing is the right thing.
Also, do be restrained in money. Work out a budget. Don't frustrate your husband by spending more than the family budget can allow. Of course, it might be that your husband is the one who spends more than you can afford. If so, gently remind him of your marriage promises and how he isn't really looking after you if he's getting you into debt.
Company and Conversation
The third point we want to mention related to the unique challenges of being an ftm is that of being at home with the children all day. Now, for those of us who are or who have been in full-time paid employment outside the home, it's not all it's cracked up to be. But being at home all the time can have its own challenges too. We need gently to let our husbands know that we might need adult company. For some of us it might be easy through Mother and Toddler groups or other mums from school. For others of us we need to work harder at seeing other adults. And we must make home a place that our husbands want to come home to. By this we don't necessarily mean the slippers, the pipe, the evening paper, uninterrupted peace and, er, frequent sex. But you do hear of tales of husbands who stay late at the office to avoid chaotic households getting badly behaved children to bed. This doesn't mean that you as an ftm have to do all the child discipline, but do have an agreed policy, between you and your husband. This means basic stuff like being in agreement in front of the children; never shouting; expecting them to do what you say first time; punish your children only for deliberate disobedience; and always telling them why you're telling them to do something.
And do make time to speak to each other. Turn off the television. Show your husband that you enjoy his company. Some marriage counsellors talk about a Date Night once a week. We sometimes suspect that assumes a double-income level of spending. We do talk frequently, most nights between ten and eleven o'clock sitting in our bedroom.
These are the three priorities that have worked for us: marriage, money and spending time together. And one more: do put some common-sense parenting rules in place so that home is a place where you both actually like to be.